MISSING YOU IS A GAME FOR ME, AND I SCORE HIGH EVERYTIME!

MISSING YOU IS A GAME FOR ME, AND I SCORE HIGH EVERYTIME!

This is what I used to say to him. What is it like to miss someone? Can missing someone be a game? Why do you ever miss anyone? Is missing someone a result of not having anything more interesting to do or feel or is it genuinely your raw feeling of wanting to be with someone. Always makes me wonder!

For me, whenever I find it difficult to say, this very minute, I am finding it difficult to stay without you, I say I miss you. It is that deep, it is that strong. It is definitely not just a bunch of words out of one’s mouth.

The feeling of ‘missing’ or should I say the emotion of ‘missing’. What is the right thing to say? Is it just a feeling, just something inside you or is it strong enough to be an emotion? What do you really miss about this person when you say you miss him/her? The physical presence of that person ofcourse, but what else? The way that person makes you feel? The way the person makes you comfortable? The way the person expresses his/her love to you? The touch? The hug?

Makes me wonder, is loving and missing also another one of our many selfish acts? Do we love so that we can be loved in return?

But, this feeling or emotion or anything else you fancy calling it, becomes quite difficult to manage. How do you even get close to managing it when your body is craving for a hug, when you are dying to be touched? When your hand aches just to be able to touch that person once. Sometimes it is like being on drugs, this feeling or emotion or whatever. You kind of get used to it. But what is this anyways - A genuine emotion or just a trick by your hormones?

But Genuinely, I miss you when I am sick, when I am low, when I am happy, when I am angry, When I win, When I lose, when it rains and when it pains. Maybe that is what this is all about. You are a part of me, today and forever. And this realization is what I pronounce in words as 'I miss you'.

Be my part time lover, and a full time friend!

Tuck me in every night,

When I lean in, hold me tight!

Every time I win, raise me to the sky,

Be my wings, help me fly!

When I lose my way, be my map,

If the world goes missing,fill the gap!

Be my first reader, every piece I write,

Be my critique, even though I fight!

From the very beginning, till the end,

Be my part time lover, and a full time friend!

If you cant be everything, I wont mind,

but atleast EXIST, when its YOU, I am trying to find!

He loved me like he had never been hurt

I lay on the bed waiting for a call when I heard a voice through the window. “You wait all day, everyday for him” it said”Why don’t you come out and play with me, for a change?” I made a face of indecisiveness. “Oh! I will drench your soul with merriment,” the voice said. Now, that was an offer I couldn’t resist. I still took my time walking out. But the minute I reached outside, he poured himself on me. I had never felt so much pleasure, I had never had so much fun, and before I knew what was happening, my thought of the call was shunned.

The rain was pitter-pattering on me. No, I am not made of steel or any other metal. But my head was so heavy with thoughts and obsessions, that it really sounded pitter-patter when the rain drops fell on me. I walked calmly down the street, looking at people rushing about in the down-pour. They all looked at me strangely and I tried to read what they thought. Some thought I was funny and some thought I was a cracked pot. “They would never understand our relationship,” I told my new friend. He said, “I don’t care what they are thinking, they don’t know the meaning of fun.” We exchanged our first smiles and I told him my head weighed a ton, he said, let us start our work here, give me just a minute and all your worries will be undone. I took his lead and gave myself up completely. I never thought this could happen, but he loved me, like he was never hurt. I was led into a trance, where nothing else mattered and yet nothing was by-chance. While we continued our journey, I watched him play-up. I laughed at his boyish trials and held the special moments in my cup. He bawled like the thunder and he laughed like the light. “Watch me glisten in the night,” he said. Then he made himself big and heavy and when he hit the road, he sparkled. I jumped up all merry and he exchanged a high-five with the floodlight of the car and that was all it took me to say to him “Come here and hug me tight.” We embraced, forever and then it was time to leave. I said to him, it was a pleasure meeting you my buddy but I must rush home to my other love. Thats when I came to my writing and wrote about my encounter with a mysterious stranger. I wrote– “I was all alone, in the dark, with a stranger, but it had never felt so right” and that was the start of my love story that is never going to stop.

When I LOVE YOU. I am in complete and utter harmony wth the universe!

A frown on your face brings tears in my eyes,

A sparkle in your eyes, its only giggles they entice.

A peck on my cheek and my toes start to curl,

Your presence in the house and my arms crave to furl.

Your breadth down my neck and my heart skips a beat,

With your arms around me, the ground doesn't feel my feet.

If this is not love, nothing else would be,

If it weren't for you, I would have never felt 'ME'

Thank you for the eventful days, even more action-packed nights, the hugs and the sturdy shoulders and incessant tequila shots!

I woke up this morning to a lot of squeeeeeeze hugs, amorous kisses and loads and loads of promises and wishes. They were virtual, alright! But, I did feel all of them deeply and my smile brightened with each one of them. My family has mocked me about one thing all my life. They would say – Ramya, Well, she has a new best friend every year! I would sheepishly smile and say, “Well, they are all so good! There are so many people who I like and they are all so interesting!” It has always been like I have to choose a boyfriend for life, so difficult to choose one best friend. The only difference being, having to choose one boyfriend out of many when all are rotten! And choosing a best friend out of many when all are the best! Yes, I did have a new best friend every year when I was little but in my defense, they were all so incredible. Now, I comfortably settle to numerous best friends and numerous other good friends.It all started with playing ‘helping sisters’ as kids, went on to doing each other’s eye makeup as we grew up, to ‘I broke up with my boyfriend because he doesn’t like you’, sharing the craze for ‘Hrithink Roshan’ at some stage, those long chats on the phone about nothing in particular and then to relentless teenage years when I can declare, I have learnt everything I know, seen everything there is to see (well, almost), and in all Experienced life at large. I can’t express what the word ‘friend’ means in my life. “They have been with me through all the difficult times”, is expressing only one percent of what they have really done for me. I have always had a shoulder to lean on when I was down and a bank account to withdraw from when I was broke. I have had bourno breaks and hot chocolate breaks when it was a stressful day at work and smoke breaks when it had to be bitching about the management at work. I have had long walks in the rain, early morning drives/rides to innumerable places, unbelievable trekking trips, long drives and picnics. There have been the hours and hours of endless chattering and gossip, cups and cups of coffee at CCD, because there would still be something more to be discussed and planned. Then there was the wisdom sharing, the lecturing, the scolding, the analyzing of relationships, first crushes and the first kisses. There were also tricky times which were eased with nightcaps after every heart break and abusing the EXs got every time I cried. I can still hear the voices in my head – “He is not good enough for you” and I inadvertently know he indeed was not good enough. And yet there were some more, who would take me out on Valentines’ day because I didn’t have a boyfriend (sometimes, along with their fuming girlfriends), some who stood by me through all my lies and all my stupidity, some who would listen quietly for hours on end while I chattered, cribbed and complained. Then there were bowls and bowls of maggis at midnights, the pani puris and sandwiches, the movies and the pop corns, the vodkas and the tequilas. There were also vehement shopping trips just to find something to wear that special evening. To top it all, there were also drunken escapades when I was too happy or too sad, singing our favorite songs night on night while we rode on our bikes and the ‘Karoke’ at TDS Thursdays after Thursdays.These had numerous faces, numerous voices, numerous personalities and numerous degrees of influences and numerous teachings. And yet, one thing common between all of them today is they are all mine to keep for a lifetime, all of them, with their differences and indifferences. My life would have never been the same without them and they are inseparable from me, my friends.I may not have kept in touch with some of you’ll, must have said angry words in stressful times, must have not shared some secrets, would have done things that you don’t approve of, but one thing will always remain, I have loved you all and I will always love you, regardless. Thank you for sharing the ‘white’ moments in life when and all was peaceful, for being the ‘blues’ when the truth is all I needed, for adding dashes of ‘pinks’ for fun, and covering all the ‘greys’ when faith is all I wanted. Thank you for all the colors in my life. I am a stronger and better person because of each one of you’ll.

What is love….or rather what love is not!

Recently, a friend of mine wrote a piece on this. That kept my head rolling on this question, what is love….or rather, what love is not! I am not going to act all enlightened and talk about love in general terms. I am talking about love in the specific term, between a man and a woman.I tried; I tried to write and to think about more qualified, more serious topics. But this is one topic that has always dominated my mind. So I give up pretending to be all matured and sorted and sit to pen down, or rather key in, my thoughts on this topic.Don’t be over hopeful, I am not going to give any answers here because as I mentioned before, I am not sorted with this either. But there would be questions, tons of them. And maybe someone would have an answer. And if not anything else, you can atleast feel that you are not the only one bewildered, out there, I am with you.A friend of mine once asked the priest in his church what he thought love was, and the father resolutely answered – It is a decision you make. Very convinced with this definition, this friend came to me to influence me with his newly found knowledge. Initially, I kind of agreed, with the hope that atleast the puzzle is solved. If I believe it’s a decision I have made, maybe I will understand the concept of love better. But over the next 20 minutes, I had a dozen questions for him. What scared me was, does he understand something that I don’t? After talking to him for five minutes, I realized he was convincing himself that the definition was true only so that he would have something to believing in. In the case above, if love was just a decision we made, we should be able to change our decision at any moment. Right? That was my argument. If it was ones decision why should there be any hurt, any helplessness or any uncontrolled behavior?Another of my observations is that, love can be very easily confused with obsessiveness. But then, obsessiveness can also be termed as one of the characteristics of love. Isn’t it? I know possessiveness is. I loathe the term though. It is very destructive - possessiveness. Talking of obsessiveness, there is a brilliant idiom I would like to introduce you to –‘Zahir’. For those who have not read Paulo Coelho’s, he describes ‘Zahir’ as something, which, gradually occupies your mind until you can think of nothing else, thus making the whole concept of obsession so fascinating.I am not an expert on relationships or on love. I wouldn’t describe any of my relationships to be perfect either or atleast they haven’t been ideally the way I imagined they would be or the way I was led to believe they should be, when I was growing up. Relationships are just so complicated today and I personally feel, just not worth the effort. Don’t get me wrong, am not being smug about it. I just decide to give up trying. When we say love, what do we really look for? Someone you can share your life with, someone to hold your hand when you walk down the beach, someone who will understand you and someone who will be attentive to you (atleast in my case, coz I can be a real attention seeker), and above all, someone who is all yours. Now, that’s not being demanding, is it? But wait, there is something more, you don’t want this from anybody who comes your way it is only the privileged few. So, all in all, I fail to understand and help you understand ‘love’But, until it lasts, love is the most incredible emotion that a human brain/heart has ever been capable of creating. It makes you look at life the way it was meant to be treated, positive and encouraging. You actually start to notice the smaller things in life like the birds in the sky, the varied colors of the flowers and the stars and the moon. Only if we hadn’t populated the love dictionary with words like – heartbreak, ego clashes, misunderstandings and betrayals.Actually love would have been the best thing that can happen to you if you have the skill to get over it as soon as it is ‘over’.

Rain is the Elixer of life to me

Heavy drops of rain pouring down the sky. Did I say drops? No they are like buckets and buckets of water poured down at once. Then there is flash of light and at the count of five a loud thunder. A dark night (I would like to say the darkest night), lightning and thunder, a heavy rain, sound of water hitting the roof in a non-stop pour, brings to me, a lot of visions and kindles my imagination. A mysterious night with a serial killer on the run, a gun in his coat pocket and a knife down his sock. Something like the killer from ‘I know what you did last summer’. Detectives in his pursuit, with raincoats, hats and gumboots, like the CID series. All these visions are all like seen it all and heard it all, Isn’t it? I switch over, to visualize something more interesting, more creative. Visions of cats and wolves cross my mind. I abandon them as being silly and childish.I stare at the sky in need for some feed for imagination. It is the lightning again, as if shouting a silent greeting. It looks like; it is trying to say something, but is being muffled by someone. The thunder; The thunder is loud and clear, like a ghost attempting to scare. I think of all those children who must be covering their faces with blankets, envisaging the ghosts in the dark night. The rain, I believe, is the most misunderstood fellow. The poor thing is always is associated with bad things. Sometimes its called the gloomy weather, leading to gloomy moods and depression. I wonder why? My spirits always seem to go up whenever I smell, see, feel or even think of the rain. All tragic deaths are allied with heavy rains, in movies. A really astonishing fact, it has been observed that people in mental asylums generally act more absurd on rainy days. I would like to believe they are just happy. Happy is referred to crazy in this world.I am going off the tangent, I understand. Here, I have another vision. I now see a lighthouse, It is raining heavily, the lightning at frequent intervals, now highlights a light house at a distance, the mad sea is roaring below. It’s a dark dark night with no moon in sight. Like the thunder has swallowed the moon entirely. A lone boat, struggles in the sea, rocking to and fro, with no hope of survival. Depressing vision again, I am making an effort to have happy thoughts, to do justice to this beautiful entity called ‘the rain’. I, personally, love the rain, especially in the day time. The intense smell of mud, brings in me, some kind of a raw passion. The sound of the gushing water is like a chatty friend. The rain leaves behind clean vivid colors, everywhere around me. The dazzling orange flowers, fresh green leaves, clear blue skies, wiped clean roads, they all denote hope in life, a new beginning, a fresh start. Like everything that was ugly and cheerless have been wiped out for me and here I am presented with a new slate, a clean wiped out slate, to write my story. Rains definitely bring joy to me. It quenches my thirst for beauty and serenity and I drench my body and soul in this Elixir of life and wonder if this is some kind of alchemy that grants me eternal happiness.